That crawling feeling

I really thought I was on the up-swing, but clearly I'm not. Recent news that one of my children will need a major surgery, continued pressure at work, and the return of my recurring pain has put me right about where I was before I crashed.

The oddest part for me is the crawling feeling on my skin. When I get like this my body becomes hyper-attuned. Every sound, smell, taste, and especially touch is heightened. I don't want anything touching me except maybe the flowing water of a warm shower. Walking down the hall the sound of my pant legs popping was grating.

Yesterday I did everything I could to avoid human contact. People asked me at church how I was doing and I avoided the question. How can I explain to them what I'm feeling if I can't figure out myself? My wife has started to key-into the fact that I'm not doing well, but I don't know what to tell her either. She asks me if I want to talk, and I do, but I don't know what to say or how to express myself.

I feel like I am caught in a strong current being pulled around, bounced off of things, and unable to rest. It's just a constant swirl.

I just want to hide. Burry myself in the side of a mountain, deep within its heart where there is no sound and the world cannot touch me. I want to be able to just let my mind unwrap everything on its own. To rest.

Burned out

It's been a horribly stressful few weeks. Work piled-on and then I had a large project at home. It just wouldn't stop. Now I feel that floating feeling. Maybe it's the stress from this morning. I don't know. I just know that what I really want is to lay down and go to sleep for a while.

The burnout problem comes at times that I never expect it. I'm chugging along doing great and then all of a sudden I hit the mud. My wheels don't even spin like when I'm "stuck", they just stop and I sink. My engine shuts down and I don't want to do anything, see anyone, speak to anyone, or even step outside. I want to be alone far away with no obligations.

I'm burned out again. Damn. I was going to make sure that didn't happen and here I am. :-(

So I just looked at my other posts and what do I find? An unfinished post from a few weeks ago saying:

It seems to be an inevitable experience for an INTP - burnout. We drive hard and keep driving. As things get more and more difficult we bury our emotions, ignoring them even though they continue to affect us. Soon we are completely wrapped-up in whatever it is we are working on. And it works. We achieve more. We understand more. We makes things better. Sure, some important things may have to wait a while but no big deal.

I guess I had an inkling of what was coming.

Anxiety and mindfulness

I was reading a series of posts about dealing with stress today at the Refuge and hit on something that I think is important not only for dealing with stress but also for doing tasks and progressing with projects. Here's the whole post. NRJC had just suggested that exercise is a great way to deal with stress. I completely agree, but I began to dig a bit deeper...

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I think NRJC is right, but in a way different than just physiology (and I completely agree about the secondary physical/psychological effects of exercise). Unfortunately, I have a hard time getting myself to exercise because I treat it as a task to be completed. On the other hand, there is something to some exercises that can be very calming for me. In fact there's an analogous situation that has a lot of similar attributes that I find comforting. Let me see if I can put it together.



The analog is driving a car on a long trip. Out where I live it's not uncommon to drive on freeways or highways for a couple hundred miles (typically four or five hours of driving). If I take that trip alone and I do it right I find at the end of the road that I am extremely calm, relaxed, and focussed. I'm "centered". I hadn't really put that together with exercise until this morning when I started dealing with my own minor panic attack. 



I think of a panic attack for me like a thinking storm. It slowly builds and the dark clouds start to come in from the horizon, but before I know it my mind is racing and filled with thousands of thoughts that I simply cannot control. External pressures of the expectations of others are like a storm surge making it even worse. I soon feel overwhelmed and that fight or flight instinct starts to kick in hard. When I was teenager (or a teenanger) I put holes in a few walls, found myself screaming at the empty house, and raging internally. It got so bad that at times I dropped out of the world for days on end. Nobody knew what was going on or how to help me. Like NRJC I am very aware of how dangerous this emotion can be in myself. My temper is something to behold and I keep a very tight rein on it. 



I am still struggling with my storms, but at least now I'm gathering some intel that seems to be helping. So here goes...



First, I have to make up my mind that right now I am going to deal with my mental health. I have to recognize that I'm in the midst of a thinking storm and that I need to deal with it. Everything else is of secondary importance because if I don't handle it soon I am going to be useless to the world. 



Second, what seems to be the most important is to engage myself at multiple levels all at the same time. This is where I see the relationship between me driving long distances and the right kind of exercise. Here's the ideal situation I have found so far:

1. Be alone. I need to be apart. If I am with others then I have a wall up or I'm playing chameleon to their personality.
2. Not only do I have to be alone, but I also have to know that I am not going to be disturbed. When I drive I silence my cell phone. If I exercise I tend to go somewhere where other people will simply not be or where I don't know anyone. The key is that no part of my life can intrude new information during this time period. It's mine alone.
3. Have stimulating music playing. I love a lot of different kinds of music, but for this I really need complex classical music. I need the complexity of the music to give my brain something to jump around inside of and not become bored by. For a while I find myself listening to the cello and the brilliant complexity and skill there. Then I am listening to the violin. Then the flute. Then the kettles. Then a horn. Then I race back to catch the cello again. My mind is constantly carried along. The very best music will invoke mental images unbiden that give me all the more to pay attention to. I have found some blues and jazz does this too.
4. There must be mindful physicality. In the car it's the constant adjustments to keep the car on the road, the speed changes to handle the flow of traffic, and the situational awareness of all that's happening. If it's exercise then it has to be a low-to-moderate aerobic exercise (walking a bit faster than usual, etc.) that does not require a great deal of thought and should not be overly exerting where it's unpleasant. Instead, it should be an almost subliminal, but effortful physical motion that tells my mind "Pay attention to this. Keep doing it carefully. Make an adjustment here. Make an adjustment there." Exercises like weight lifting, intense aerobics, etc. are not good enough for giving me that sense of flow I need.
5. Controlled breathing can be another way of giving the mind something else to think about.

It's essential that there's just enough pressure be put on the mind to keep it rolling along. Interestingly, I have found that reading the right kind of book does this too. If it has enough depth in plot and intricacy in detail I find my mind playing the book like a movie and it keeps me rolling along. After a few days of reading good books I am much calmer and happier. Very few movies or television shows can do this for me. However, I have found that sci-fi has the best chance of making it happen. Again, it's all about having enough complexity that my mind is properly distracted for extended periods.

I used to be a martial artist (I have since had an injury that makes it nearly impossible to continue) and I found that katas helped too. Katas are a series of complex motions intended to teach proper technique and to string different techniques together. They can also be used while visualizing attackers. What I found was that a sufficiently complex kata would cause me to fall into that state of flow. I had memorized it and so I didn't have to think about what to do. However, it was still complex enough that I had to be mindful to keep it moving properly. By visualizing the attackers I was adding another layer of thinking for my mind to go through. Proper breathing added another layer. If I was alone with music playing I could repeat it over and over and end up feeling deeply calm afterward. It strikes me that Tai Chi and Yoga can do the same thing although I always found them a bit too slow to fully engage my mind properly.

Another place I can find this is in marksmanship. I like to shoot small bore rifle and pistol and also air rifles and pistols. These disciplines require the same things: exclusion of outside interruption, general focus on multiple variables simultaneously (safety, breathing, trigger control, body position, environmental conditions, etc.), and a challenge that requires focus but not being overwhelmed by any one single item. It's enveloping and I can spend hours at the range carefully firing at targets. Of course in that environment I avoid the music, but wearing the earmuffs gives me a sense of isolation. Afterward I am completely relaxed and centered again. I have done a little work with a bow and arrow and it's a similar experience.

Hmm....now that I think about it, that's really the state that I want to be in when I am doing anything. I wonder if these "rules" aren't applicable in other situations as well. For some reason my mind just jumped to the image of a Japanese tea ceremony and to writing Chinese calligraphy.