Non-linear in a linear world

I spend a lot of time struggling with the linearity of others. They want to hit every point from A to Z. I go from V to L to A to U to Z and skip all the rest. What's more, as an INTP I inherently understand and like to build systems, but I find that if I have to live inside one of those systems I have created it strangles me. I rebel against the rigid walls I've built.

I know that my designs work and do what they are intended, but when it comes down to the moment I find that I will not conform to the system. The dichotomy of the situation lends itself to a host of ironic situations. Right now on my desk I have a guide for how to do projects, it covers every detail of project management that I have learned over the years. And yet, as I look at it and the projects in front of me I know that I am not likely to use the guide as I wrote it. I designed it for linear thinkers, not me.

Of course that makes sense, why would I design something for me when my entire life has been designing systems for other personality types? Unfortunately, now my career is changing (again) and I really do need these new systems for me.

The concept of kits seems to lend itself to this. Years ago I realized it was silly for me to have a "perfect" kit or toolbox for every job. That lent itself to massive amounts of duplication (do I need a hammer for carpentry and a separate one for picture hanging and a third for pounding stakes in the garden?). So I started to break my kits into broader categories that allowed some cross over. To add some humor to it I gave them silly names. Now I have a shelf of "pounders" in my workshop. When I need to pound something I can go to that shelf and select just the right hammer for the job at hand (or the right hammer for the thumb at job).

I'm wondering if the same needs to be true for how I work in the office. Maybe I am spending far too much time trying to build perfect kits for everything rather than putting my "tools" where they need to be in a general sense. I've been building entire guides for doing things rather than small crib sheets for how to do a small thing.

Something inside me seems worried about making absolutely sure my kits are complete, but as I think about it it is impossible to have a complete kit for projects without knowing every possible project that may come into my life. Instead, I can break my kits down to tasks that may be part of a project. If I need it then the tool is there, if not then it can be safely ignored for this project.

Is it so bad to go mad?

One of the things I have found interesting about INTP's is the number of people who have said something along the lines of, "I seriously thought I had mental illness..." I've been there too and often, and often too often. But I have begun to wonder what it is that I am afraid of and why I don't just quit wasting time and step off the edge and into the abyss that I am so sure is there. After all, if it's not there then I can quit worrying about being insane and start worrying again about world peace, hunger, and whether or not the Rolling Stones disprove everything I have ever heard about substance abuse. If, on the other hand, the abyss really is an abyss and I really do go mad then at least I can be happy in knowing that my fears were justified and I can go about my business believing that a rock I found in the road is an alien from the Galactic Empire come to tell me that I have been selected to rule the universe from a hostel in Southeast Los Angeles.

Of course, the things that pull me back constantly are all the responsibilities and important stuff that the world tells me I should be concerned about. Not unparadoxically these are the exact same items that keep pushing me to the edge. And so back and forth I go just exactly like a madman trying to decide if the automatic door at the supermarket is out to eat him. Ergo, I am already quite mad and probably (based not completely on, but fully confirmed by the above) a raving lunatic. Strangely enough, I think the rest of the world pretty much knows this and is waiting to find out if I am the kind of lunatic who turns out to be brilliant, the weird uncle, or the guy you see on continuous live news coverage.

The last one is clearly short-term thinking and just doesn't work out for an INTP. After all, if we're going to be that kind of crazy then we're going to do it right and go into politics. Otherwise at some point a person ends up being swarmed by people in tactical gear and the social pressures of so many people screaming and yelling at us and even touching us while telling us what to do would be pretty uncomfortable. Worse, should I survive, I would have to sleep in a concrete building with a few thousand people who inherently cannot leave other people alone. So it's either that or go to inauguration balls with people of exactly the same character, but slightly better taste in clothes and fewer scruples about who they sleep with. Either way, that whole type of crazy just isn't for me.

That leaves the other two options. Now, I already have various assorted nephews and nieces who all think of me as that strange guy who's supposed to be related to them, but that they know nothing about. I suppose I could just be happy with some such small achievement and start sending them copies of my combined analysis of Tolstoy, Dr. Seuss and Nitsche for Christmas, but it doesn't seem right to leave it at that (particularly since that list of authors doesn't include anyone from the southern hemisphere). No, I have decided that if I am going to go mad then I might as well go the whole way and become brilliantly mad.

And so that's where I am at a bit past 1:00 in the morning. It's not a pretty place to be, but apparently it's where I am so who are you to judge? If you haven't gone stark bonkers yet then you're just being all theoretical which might get you published in a journal or two, but never gain you any real respect amongst we the leaders of the Galactic Empire.

So what brought all this on? Earlier tonight I was catching a documentary on Henry Ford. Actually, I caught the last third of it last night, then the first third this afternoon and the second third tonight (ah the wonders of modern television). I was struck by the fact that Ford just bit the bullet and became completely what he was. Admittedly a lot of what he was turned out to be a vindictive jerk, but that's not the part I'm talking about. I'm talking about the single-minded obsession with making one type of thing and just making it better and better. The guy was badly embarrassed in court when he seemed to think the Revolutionary War was in 1812 rather than 1776. Newspaper editors called him a joke and then went home in their Model T's to houses that would just fit into Henry's bathroom. It would seem that Henry had the better way. He picked one thing that he did well, focused it on one thing he wanted to do, and then promptly ignored all the other stuff. I suppose that if he had failed to make an inexpensive automobile and thus change the world we would have called him mad.

Then there was another snippet of a travel show where some attractive girl is wandering around Vietnam and is talking about the last emperor of that country (who's burial place is unknown because the 300 people who buried him had their heads lifted so nobody could get to the dead guy's stuff that was buried with him). This guy knew what he liked and what he liked was having 50 different meals prepared for him every day from which to choose - and by different meals every day I mean he didn't want to see the same meal twice in a year. Seems eccentric, but on the other hand I am a glutton and I'm not so sure I wouldn't have set up a similar system if given the chance.

Also tonight I saw a portion of a really bad movie with an actress who got some awards (one for apparently being simultaneously fascinated and upset by a reference to fava beans in a show that was also mentioned in one of those non-reality tv shows I happened to watch last night). In this movie she's investigating some alien phenomenon or another which causes her to be simultaneously fascinated and upset (but not enough apparently to get an award). On the screen were shown some esoteric notes filled with scribbling that looked significant, but probably was just a set designer's high school algebra notes.

Suddenly it happened, all those disjointed concepts blended together and I thought, "Well, why not just go ahead and become mad?" What I mean is, why not just do what I do even if it seems insane to everyone else and even to myself? If that means going catatonic for a few hours then so be it. If it means that I finally outfit my pickup with a camper so I can take a nap at lunchtime while blasting Tchaikovsky then why not? If it means turning my backyard into a collection of small outbuildings each resembling a shed, but each with a different purpose then I might as well start buying wood and paint. If I want to fill a couple thousand notebooks with arcane scribbling that only I understand then dammit I have every right to do so!

As INTPs we are inherently different than the majority. People simply aren't going to get us. Unfortunately, we spend huge amounts of time trying to fix that by essentially trying to fix ourselves. Well, who's to say we are the ones that need to be fixed? How do we know that we aren't the right way up?

I think in the morning I might as well go mad. I've nothing better to do...

Tuesday

This was a three-day holiday weekend (Memorial Day), but I worked all three days. On Saturday I worked the majority of the day, on Sunday I taught my Sunday school class, Monday I worked half of the day. None of that really matters.

What does matter is that I finally seem to have broken out of being stuck. I really hit the breaking point when I realized that I need to simply work the way that my wants to work. I can't fight what I am. I finally stepped back and made a simple set of rules to follow when doing anything. These rules seem to be universal, but more testing will be required:

1. Treat each day and situation like taking a day trip, or going to an event. Other things will have to be set aside so that I can focus on what is in front of me.
2. Take care of today's "annoying" items and get them completely out of the way.
3. Make a list of everything else on my mind that will need to be dealt with later. 
4. Get myself mentally ready to do what needs to be done. This may mean taking a break or stepping out for a while so that I can start making the mental shift and eliminate any latent emotions.
5. Clean the area of anything not involved with the upcoming task or project. Set it all aside, file it, shove it into a cupboard, whatever. Just get it out of visual range.
6. Set up the environment for close focus work.
• Get my "kit" of items needed for this project.
• Remove any remaining distractions such as noises, smells, etc.
• Limit potential disturbances as much as possible (phones, etc.)
7. Play the right kind of music for the task that I'm about to do.
8. Do the job in a way that it requires mindful physicality. There has to be a physical act related to what I'm doing that requires some focus on how I am doing as much as what I am doing. This may simply mean writing my notes in the most beautiful penmanship that I can.
9. Art must be in the work. It cannot simply be a task. There needs to be some kind of art or excellence tied to it. 
10. There must be an internal goal that is the target. It is not known to anyone else, but it is what I want. Moreover, I aim at this target without aiming. I focus on the mechanics while the back of my mind remembers the target.
11. Get "close" to the task. Give myself tunnel vision. Set apps to full-screen. Get closer to the white board. Get closer to the document. Whatever it takes to focus on the "sites" not on the "target". 

As I started to put this into play I found flow in each of my tasks. Each step was critical to my success. 

Anxiety and mindfulness

I was reading a series of posts about dealing with stress today at the Refuge and hit on something that I think is important not only for dealing with stress but also for doing tasks and progressing with projects. Here's the whole post. NRJC had just suggested that exercise is a great way to deal with stress. I completely agree, but I began to dig a bit deeper...

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I think NRJC is right, but in a way different than just physiology (and I completely agree about the secondary physical/psychological effects of exercise). Unfortunately, I have a hard time getting myself to exercise because I treat it as a task to be completed. On the other hand, there is something to some exercises that can be very calming for me. In fact there's an analogous situation that has a lot of similar attributes that I find comforting. Let me see if I can put it together.



The analog is driving a car on a long trip. Out where I live it's not uncommon to drive on freeways or highways for a couple hundred miles (typically four or five hours of driving). If I take that trip alone and I do it right I find at the end of the road that I am extremely calm, relaxed, and focussed. I'm "centered". I hadn't really put that together with exercise until this morning when I started dealing with my own minor panic attack. 



I think of a panic attack for me like a thinking storm. It slowly builds and the dark clouds start to come in from the horizon, but before I know it my mind is racing and filled with thousands of thoughts that I simply cannot control. External pressures of the expectations of others are like a storm surge making it even worse. I soon feel overwhelmed and that fight or flight instinct starts to kick in hard. When I was teenager (or a teenanger) I put holes in a few walls, found myself screaming at the empty house, and raging internally. It got so bad that at times I dropped out of the world for days on end. Nobody knew what was going on or how to help me. Like NRJC I am very aware of how dangerous this emotion can be in myself. My temper is something to behold and I keep a very tight rein on it. 



I am still struggling with my storms, but at least now I'm gathering some intel that seems to be helping. So here goes...



First, I have to make up my mind that right now I am going to deal with my mental health. I have to recognize that I'm in the midst of a thinking storm and that I need to deal with it. Everything else is of secondary importance because if I don't handle it soon I am going to be useless to the world. 



Second, what seems to be the most important is to engage myself at multiple levels all at the same time. This is where I see the relationship between me driving long distances and the right kind of exercise. Here's the ideal situation I have found so far:

1. Be alone. I need to be apart. If I am with others then I have a wall up or I'm playing chameleon to their personality.
2. Not only do I have to be alone, but I also have to know that I am not going to be disturbed. When I drive I silence my cell phone. If I exercise I tend to go somewhere where other people will simply not be or where I don't know anyone. The key is that no part of my life can intrude new information during this time period. It's mine alone.
3. Have stimulating music playing. I love a lot of different kinds of music, but for this I really need complex classical music. I need the complexity of the music to give my brain something to jump around inside of and not become bored by. For a while I find myself listening to the cello and the brilliant complexity and skill there. Then I am listening to the violin. Then the flute. Then the kettles. Then a horn. Then I race back to catch the cello again. My mind is constantly carried along. The very best music will invoke mental images unbiden that give me all the more to pay attention to. I have found some blues and jazz does this too.
4. There must be mindful physicality. In the car it's the constant adjustments to keep the car on the road, the speed changes to handle the flow of traffic, and the situational awareness of all that's happening. If it's exercise then it has to be a low-to-moderate aerobic exercise (walking a bit faster than usual, etc.) that does not require a great deal of thought and should not be overly exerting where it's unpleasant. Instead, it should be an almost subliminal, but effortful physical motion that tells my mind "Pay attention to this. Keep doing it carefully. Make an adjustment here. Make an adjustment there." Exercises like weight lifting, intense aerobics, etc. are not good enough for giving me that sense of flow I need.
5. Controlled breathing can be another way of giving the mind something else to think about.

It's essential that there's just enough pressure be put on the mind to keep it rolling along. Interestingly, I have found that reading the right kind of book does this too. If it has enough depth in plot and intricacy in detail I find my mind playing the book like a movie and it keeps me rolling along. After a few days of reading good books I am much calmer and happier. Very few movies or television shows can do this for me. However, I have found that sci-fi has the best chance of making it happen. Again, it's all about having enough complexity that my mind is properly distracted for extended periods.

I used to be a martial artist (I have since had an injury that makes it nearly impossible to continue) and I found that katas helped too. Katas are a series of complex motions intended to teach proper technique and to string different techniques together. They can also be used while visualizing attackers. What I found was that a sufficiently complex kata would cause me to fall into that state of flow. I had memorized it and so I didn't have to think about what to do. However, it was still complex enough that I had to be mindful to keep it moving properly. By visualizing the attackers I was adding another layer of thinking for my mind to go through. Proper breathing added another layer. If I was alone with music playing I could repeat it over and over and end up feeling deeply calm afterward. It strikes me that Tai Chi and Yoga can do the same thing although I always found them a bit too slow to fully engage my mind properly.

Another place I can find this is in marksmanship. I like to shoot small bore rifle and pistol and also air rifles and pistols. These disciplines require the same things: exclusion of outside interruption, general focus on multiple variables simultaneously (safety, breathing, trigger control, body position, environmental conditions, etc.), and a challenge that requires focus but not being overwhelmed by any one single item. It's enveloping and I can spend hours at the range carefully firing at targets. Of course in that environment I avoid the music, but wearing the earmuffs gives me a sense of isolation. Afterward I am completely relaxed and centered again. I have done a little work with a bow and arrow and it's a similar experience.

Hmm....now that I think about it, that's really the state that I want to be in when I am doing anything. I wonder if these "rules" aren't applicable in other situations as well. For some reason my mind just jumped to the image of a Japanese tea ceremony and to writing Chinese calligraphy.

My workload

That guy looks like me, except his office appears to have more natural light than mine. :-(

I'm stuck again. I have a pile of work to do and just can't seem to break through to productivity again. Why why why? Well, the title of the blog is...

1. Sleep. Yeah, it hasn't been so good lately. Not because I can't sleep but because I just haven't slept much lately. I could if I'd just give up and crash, but when I'm stressed I need a few hours before I go to sleep to "process". When I'm really stressed I feel like I need all night. 
2. I have no idea what to do next. This is a real pain. The next action should be the right next action and it's all really vague at the moment. 
3. Seriously, that picture looks like me. I have a backlog of work that would make your eyes bleed if you could see it. There are so many things that are undone in my personal and professional life right now that it's kind of frightening. 
4. It's not like I haven't been doing anything, it's more that I haven't been doing a lot of things that are useful in the long-term.

#2 is probably the one on my mind the most right now. I've had some real breakthroughs in my work lately, but they only have gotten me so far. The next step has to be taken and I just don't have that great of an idea of what to do next. 

Now that I think about it, probably the right answer is to get all the information in front of me and just look at it to let my mind start analyzing it in that mysterious way that it does. I think I'll pull everything out and start tacking it to my white board so I can see relationships and flow. Maybe that will give me some idea of how to move forward...I hope. 

Afraid to Start

I'm stuck. I hate being stuck. Every once in a while this happens, but it's been happening a lot more lately...as in, for a decade now. I get started on a project. I get it rolling and people start to rely on me. Then what happens? I get stuck. I procrastinate. I can't start. I won't start. I spend all of my time trying to figure out how to do the job perfectly without ever actually doing anything directly related to the job.

I have strategies to combat this, but they all sound hollow when the time comes. I stare at my computer screen or the stack of papers on my desk. I want to do the right thing, but I can't. I just keep staring.

The guilt starts to build up in me, then the frustration, finally I just shrug and accept it. Another day lost. Another day I can never get back spent fighting myself.

All I can think of is to go into the office tomorrow, shove everything to the side, and go back to my old morning routine. What choice do I have? Stay in the same stinking place forever until everyone knows that I'm messed up?

I want to go curl up in a corner. Only problem is, I'd be right there with me.

Why don't I want to work on this stuff? I think a lot of it is how mundane it all sounds. I'm facing a bunch of customer-service items, not anything truly challenging. What's there to research? What's there to occupy my mind and keep me engaged. It just seems like a horrible shade of gray. If it were black or white I would be fine with it, but the gray just goes on forever.

There has to be something of interest to do with it all. I just can't for the life of me figure out what it is. Guess I'll surf the web for a bit in search of enlightenment. Maybe the answer is out there....yeah, like it's been there for the last ten years and I haven't found it yet?

It gets better

If you couldn't guess by my last/first two posts, it's been tough lately. Fortunately I think that I finally got my back aligned properly. The pain is gone and all that's left is some stiffness. More importantly, my emotions are starting to balance out. Thank goodness, because I was coming unglued. I think between the experimentation with my medications, the massive workloads I've been under, and the pain I've been feeling I was more than a little off-kilter.

Part of the reason that I started this blog was so that I could think things out in writing in a free-form way and get a better handle on what I'm feeling and why. As I go I put in the information that I think will be helpful to myself (and other INTPs) in the future.

Right now I'm feeling really pretty good. That's nice because I haven't felt "right" for a few weeks now. I have a simple action plan for the next few hours now that I'm "coming out of it". This is a technique I've used for a while and really seems to get me back on the right track.

The image at right is a sketchnote from one of my notebooks showing how I do this process. Essentially it is broken into four parts:

1. Gather everything. All the papers, notebooks, files, folders, notepads, post-it notes, print-outs of digital files, receipts, budget files. Everything. 
2. Stop the distractions and just look at it all in an effort to see patterns. As I think about it all I begin to make notes or draw mind maps of the structure.
3. Then I sort it all. The goal here is not to start doing work, it's to get everything in the right place. I am not doing something with the stuff, rather I'm doing something to the stuff so that it all makes sense.
4. At this point it's starting to cohere into a reasonable system. Now I can start actually doing something with the stuff. The last panel shows different ways to begin with each item. The goal is not just to have stuff, but to make that stuff work for me and what I want. 

That last sentence is really key to the whole thing. If I am going to really get rolling on a task or project then I have to be doing it because I want to do it. I have a very hard time moving forward if I am being forced or coerced to do something - even if I am the one "forcing" or "coercing" myself. In essence, I have to find a real and interesting reason to move forward. Otherwise I see right through it all, hate the task, and put it off forever. 

Next, I have to have a way of doing the item that helps me work in the most effective way for myself and my unique INTP personality type. That will come later, but for now it's all about processing all the "stuff" I have sitting around. Why am I going to do this? 

1. Because I want to get the emotional weight of it off my back.
2. Because there are important things that I can't start until I get this broken out.
3. Because if I don't get moving I'm going to be stuck here forever. 

And that #3 item there is enough to make me get moving. The first step is to "gather everything" and sort it into piles of stuff in general categories. It doesn't matter that each pile is internally disorganized. Just put all the stuff related to project A in a pile and all the things to research topic 134 in another pile, etc.

Okay, now my office is a disaster. :-) I have piles of stuff everywhere and each pile is its own category of "stuff" which is itself disorganized. That's okay.

At that point I can prioritize a bit and pick the one pile of stuff that I feel is the most important at this point in time. Now I will begin to really go through the above process for that pile. The sub-ideas in the sketchnote become really important and what do you know, now I'm actually working again!