People are systematic

I was reading this article today and was struck by the line "The trick to dealing with [people] is not to think of them as human beings, but as systems that you have to make act the way you want." Now, this can be taken way too far, but there is a nugget of truth there.

People are not machines where you can guarantee outputs based on inputs. Humans always have choice, even if they choose not to exercise it, but people do work systematically. They tend to do things a certain way and according to a certain process because that has worked for them in the past. In that respect it is possible to predict with a high degree of likelihood what a person will do in a given circumstance.

There are a few tricks to doing this though. First, this is observational science not hard science. It is statistical and so I keep in mind that there's always the possibility that things will go differently. It's like betting on a roll of a pair of dice. If given a choice I'll always bet that the dice will come up to total seven because that's the statistically most likely number to come up. However, I'm always ready to assume that I may get something else.

Second, I begin to observe the person and analyze them. Since I can't control what their particular situation is I try to gather as much mental information as I can so that I can get the core ideas down. Soon I have a framework of how the person thinks and works. From there I can work with them in the way that they prefer to work. I can give them inputs with a high degree of knowing what the outputs will be.

The biggest trick though is to be detached. As an INTP I have a high level of empathy with people. I have a naturally strong "theory of mind" for the person across from me and I feel what they feel. This can quickly be exhausting. So, I need to break things up a bit. I have to decide what is important to observe and what is not and filter out the noise. Only then is it possible to accurately deconstruct and systemize what I have learned.

This can be most helpful in business. Most people work with expectations. In its most extreme form you end up with a government bureaucracy where every little banal thing has a form that must be filled out perfectly or it gets sent back. While we can (almost) all agree that this is ridiculous, there are varying degrees of this mindset. People need specific information to take action. They need specific requests to be able to switch into the right mindset to do what you need.

In business people say things like, "That's not the right way to do that," "That's not my job," "Well, he didn't get me what I need," or "How was I supposed to know that?" These are all indicators that the person was observing the situation from a particular system, did not recognize the input, and failed to produce the desired output. Because of this expectation on their part I can build a useful procedure or system on my end to get the desired output.

I think of these people as "black boxes". I input x, y, z and I'll most likely get product 983. If sometimes I get product 783 instead then I look to see how I can improve the inputs without trying to fix the black box. What if I also input a and b? What if I input items in the order z, x, y? I experiment a bit until I get the highest degree of predictability as I can. Then I accept some minor variation in the system.

Doing this allows me to objectively see people. This keeps me from being frustrated by them and experiencing a lot of uncomfortable emotions. It also allows me to minimize contact with people, increase my own effectiveness, and generally make my life easier.

What's the process I go through? It's simple really:

1. What do I want to get out?
2. What does the other person most want to get that also gets me what I want?
3. How can I most effectively and efficiently give that to them?
4. Test - assess - improve - repeat.

Broken people

For a long time I tried to fix the people around me, but I finally realized that all people are essentially "broken" and because of that they are often afraid, frustrated, selfish, angry, and hurting - just like me. What people need more than to be "helped" is compassion, patience and kindness.

One thing I think INTPs short-change themselves on is their compassion. Because we can enter into the mind of the other person we can be very empathic and feel their hurt, sadness, frustration, and everything else. Our natural instinct is to either run away or "fix" the problem as if it were actually our problem. But it isn't, we can't fix it and we care too much to run away.

I guess in some ways it's like being a faithful golden retriever. Imagine the picture of a sad little boy sitting under a tree. The dog quietly comes up, sits close, gently puts his head on the boy's lap, and shares in the emotion. It's almost as if he begins to weep and mourn with the child. Occasionally he licks a hand, but he knows all he can do is be part of the experience with the one he loves. There's no judgment, no attempt to fix the problem, no desire to be somewhere else, just a gentle kindness and steady devotion.

Seek to understand and care, but don't try to repair.

Frustrated

During my short time since discovering my INTP nature I've come to realize that there really is a duality to being me. There's the "me" that I identify with and act from and then there's the "other me" that is emotional, pushy, and kept under a tight leash lest he get out and do something embarrassing or hurt someone's feelings (or worse).

What's frustrating is that the other me has a lot more control over my life than I realized. It's like someone else is there sabotaging me. On the other hand, that someone also seems to have a pretty good handle on certain aspects of my life and I can't seem to hear what he's trying to tell me.

Right now I am absolutely full of anxiety. That other guy is screaming bloody murder at me and I keep telling him to shut the hell up. It is not a constructive conversation. Honestly, I just want to cry and I am not a person who cries.

So what's going on?

I am completely burned out emotionally and there's not much left for me to work on. A lot of it comes from the constant physical pain I've been in for the last couple of weeks. A lot of it is from the massive workload I have been under. I just did a brain sweep and it's a pretty extensive list of a lot of important things. Other pieces include my messed-up medications. Others just the frustrations I can see in other people as they try to deal with me. Other parts are the loss of quiet times in my life recently. Burnout thy name is INTP. :-/

Pain
The physical pain is an enormous drain on me. It's absolutely relentless. In short, my back has four bad discs and a couple times a year those bulged discs will begin to pinch a nerve or two. Soon my muscles try to compensate and I get muscle spasms. This can last just a day or two, but sometimes it will last for months. When it gets really bad I have to go in for cortisone injections in my spine - which is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I've noticed over the years that a lot of the problems are related to the weather. As a storm rolls in the barometric pressure drops and I think those discs bulge ever so little more starting the cascade of problems all over again. This spring we've had one storm after another roll in and it's beaten me down.

I keep trying to work through it, but the thing is, this kind of pain can be extremely sharp and so it can't be ignored or even suppressed. At times I think it's getting better then the next day a storm rolls in or I move the wrong way and I'm right back to where I began. The only relief I get is through drugs or by laying flat on the floor or in my orthopedic bed. Neither place is conducive to doing any real work.

Finally, spinal pain seems to send my endocrine system on overload. My body is flooded with hormones and I get mood swings. As an INTP though I tend to ignore my mood and emotions and so they build up. It's exhausting.

Work
As for work, I seem to be caught in the desire to do things "right" or not do them at all. I am terrified of making mistakes that will hurt other people or be the wrong move and waste time. So I spend huge amounts of time just trying to make things "just right". Then nothing gets done. Then it piles up even higher. Then I worry about that.

In Stephen Covey's 7 Habits book he points out that there needs to be a P/PC balance in life. The P is production and the PC is production capability. In essence what he is saying is that you have to have a balance between actually doing work and improving how you work. You have to have both, but it has to be in balance. It's kind of like the old "work smarter, not harder" adage, except that he points out that you still have to work.

In my case I get perpetually stuck in the PC arena. I want to keep building ever more perfect systems of doing things rather than just getting things done that can be done. It's paralysis by analysis.

Maybe some of it is just my default way of handling things. If I am stressed then I want to fix the problem and the underlying cause. So I focus on that underlying cause more and more hoping that once I nail it down the rest will just follow.

I don't have any answers right now. I just know that I feel like running away...